Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Out of Eden




Snake slithered in the garden
A tale to fabricate
And plucked a juicy apple
Which Eve sinfully ate
Feeling somehow peculiar
With elevated state
Adamant and insistant
She gave some to her mate
Now seeing they were naked
Their shame and sorrow great
God banished them from Eden
And promptly locked the gate



So, after writing the first draft, I decided to change it "A" little. Here's the story with "A" few changes. Nor sure if I prefer A or B. Or both???  But A is for Apple...



A serpent in a garden
A tale to fabricate
A taste of the forbidden
A sinful woman ate
A now peculiar feeling
A knowledgable state 
Adamant about sharing
A mate participates
A sense that they were naked
A shame and sorrow great
A banishment from Eden
A God who locked the gate





adamant, fabricate, perculiar


7 comments:

anthonynorth said...

Enjoyed that. A fun last line.

Old Altonian said...

That's a relatively lighthearted look at the original sin. Very enjoyable!

LKHarris-Kolp said...

Very nice both ways... similar, yet so different! Kudos!!

~laurie

Deborah said...

Very clever and just as effective written both ways, really well done!

oldegg said...

I much prefer the second version. The A's for apples gave it a better rhythm in my mind. Do forgive my spelling correction for 'peculiar'.

versebender said...

Liked both...guess I'd go with the first if i had to choose...but I don't!!! Last line is pure gold. Vb

Kim Nelson said...

I like both forms, Elaine. Fun play with the concept. Nice work!
Here's mine, quite late this week!
http://www.kimnelsonwrites.com/2011/04/12/goddess-creates/

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